Simplicity at All Costs: My Unserious Proposal for Having the Fewest Words and the Vaguest Language

English is known for having a numerous amount of words. I grew up learning obscure vocabulary every time I picked up a novel or sat in an English class. Just look at this list of 58,000 English words if you doubt the existence of a superfluous multiplicity of sesquepedalian, arcane, and redundant verbiage within the standardized and dialectal varieties of the English tongue.

One might expect a rational solution to all this (and indeed most people make one by using only the words they need), but irrationally large amounts of words, I believe that irrational problems require irrational solutions. Therefore, I consider it essential that we replace an irrationally high vocabulary within the English language with an irrationally low one in order to make spelling tests, vocabulary quizzes, and English classes easier for everyone and make every other discipline known to man so impossible as to add a little comedy to the fabric of our everyday lives.

A Dictionary of Revised English:

• And (any conjunction
• By (any preposition)
• Described (any qualitative value)
• Do (any action)
• No (either a negative or an impolite statement)
• Thing (any place, thing, or concept)
• Some (any quantitative value)
• The (an article, if necessary)
• They (any person)
• Thus (any adverb)
• Sir (can be added before "they" as a mark of respect)
• Yes (either an affirmative or polite statement)

As for the grammar, much of it will continue to follow current English grammar (in order to prevent a lack of recognizability!) Here's a table of grammatical forms of each word:

Look at that! From 58,000 words to just 17! Imagine the happy English students. Because of these clever and effective changes, the Preamble to the United States Constitution would read as follows:

"They, by thing by do the described thing, do thing, do described thing, do by the described thing, do the described thing, and do the described things by them and their they do do and do the Thing by the Described Things by Thing"

I don't know your opinion, but personally I don't think even Shakespeare could write quite like that. Wouldn't it be great if we all spoke like this? They do do them thus. Sir They do do described! Thus they do the thing does the described described thing by the thing. They do do the Thing of the Described Things by the thing and do them by do thing. Yes, yes them by doing!